Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how to make lasting changes in my life, so here’s a bit about that. Complete with my top 10 tips!

January 2020 (also known as The Longest Month Anywhere in the Universe Ever, according to social media) is over. And so, somehow, is February. How are your New Year’s resolutions holding up? Still sugar-free, going to the gym three times a week, eating vegan, taking the stairs, limiting your screen time? If you’re wavering, or have given up, don’t be hard on yourself. Big changes are difficult!

I get it, it feels amazing to start a new year with a new beginning. Only, if we expect we can overhaul our lives at the flip of a calendar page, most of us are going to fail. I never set myself official resolutions. And you don’t have to either. Instead, why not join me in making small tweaks throughout the year? I don’t know about you, but I love the feeling of achieving steps towards a goal, and for me, that goal is more a process of ongoing self-improvement and self-discovery than a definite finish line.

I think that’s one of the reasons I love books so much. Fact or fiction, reading’s a fantastic way to challenge our habitual thought patterns and personal view of the world. Right now, I’ve got three books on the go:

• Lethal White, one of the Cormoran Strike detective novels by Robert Galbraith (J.K. Rowling);
• Dr Rangan Chatterjee’s The Stress Solution; and
• The brilliantly titled How to Stop Losing Your Shit With Your Kids, by Carla Naumburg PHD

They’re all great; you should definitely check them out. But the actual reason I’ve listed them is to show that I believe there are many ways to help ourselves do better, be better. For me, the fiction is my escape, a hug for my brain, my heart and my soul. It gives me the space to just be. When I’m absorbed in a story, my worries don’t exist. I’ll read late at night until I start dropping the book on the cat because I’m drifting off, and every story I read becomes a part of me in some way. Even the ones I don’t like.

The others – the self-help guides – on the other hand, feed my love of learning about life, myself, other people and the world in a more scientific, fact-based, practical kind of way. I’ve always dipped into reference books, encouraged by my parents from an early age to look up the answers to my questions. Ever since I tried to write my own book about the evolution of the horse (basically plagiarising one of the hefty zoology textbooks on my mum’s shelf) when I was about 9, I’ve loved throwing myself into research.

Now, my big project is, well, me. I read the odd life manual pre-kids, such as Sane New World, by Ruby Wax. And then ‘Project Lucy’ started in earnest about five years ago, when my first daughter was tiny, with The Gentle Sleep Book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith, and continued with a stack of parenting books. I suppose I’ve been trying to find out how to navigate this ever-changing way of living, finding the instructions I need to be the kind of parent I want to be. Not just that, but the kind of person I want to be.

(Sticking with the literary theme, I suspect this elusive Ideal Lucy might be a combination of Anne and George from The Famous Five, Jo and Beth March from Little Women and Elizabeth Bennet from Pride & Prejudice.)

With this goal in mind, I’ve read:

• Most of Sarah Ockwell-Smith’s back catalogue (I’m a big fan of her ‘gentle parenting’ approach, though I’m not always great at putting it into action)
• Dr Laura Markham’s Calm Parents, Happy Kids and Calm Parents, Happy Siblings
• Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s Raising Your Spirited Child
• Dr Rangan Chatterjee’s The 4 Pillar Plan (which has helped with my efforts to cut down on sugar)
• Matt Haig’s Reasons to Stay Alive and Notes on a Nervous Planet
• Ruby Wax’s Frazzled
• Fearne Cotton’s Calm

And that’s only the ones I can remember!

Just like all the other books I’ve read, these guides have worked their way into my subconscious mind, building new connections in my brain and influencing me in my decisions and reactions. I’m learning how to calm myself and my kids, how to eat better and think more positively, and how to create the space I need to rediscover who I am. It’s the kind of project that will never be over, but I quite like that. As I mentioned earlier, for me the goal isn’t to reach a finish line, but to always seek a new Personal Best.

I’ve even put together a list of top tips from my reading, which I think is a great place to tie up this post:

1. Take time to connect with the people around you: play with your kids, phone your mum, say hello to the person next to you on the bus (and smile at the driver). Make eye contact, and physical contact – so long as it’s appropriate!
2. Let other people follow their own path. It’s not always straightforward, especially when it comes to children, but accepting that you can’t control what other people do, only influence them, seems to be really important when it comes to your own happiness.
3. Have realistic expectations of others, and yourself. At core, we’re just animals. Highly evolved with crazily big brains, but animals all the same. And that means we’re sometimes driven by the most primitive parts of our brains. This is especially hard for children, teenagers and young adults to override as they’ve not finished developing all those important neural pathways and impulse controls yet.
4. You can’t avoid tempting foods with willpower alone. Have snacks on hand like carrot sticks and unsalted nuts so they’re just as easy to reach as the biscuits. I suppose the same goes for any temptation; find an alternative and make it easier than the thing you want to avoid.
5. You don’t have to set time aside to get more exercise: we evolved to move frequently, every day, not sit in front of screens or hibernate on sofas. Do a few star jumps while the kettle boils; run up the stairs; park further away from work, the shops or the school gates (or leave the car at home if you can); aim for 10,000 steps a day (but don’t beat yourself up about it when you don’t); have a mad half hour in the garden with the kids; turn the radio up loud and DANCE.
6. Don’t try to impose a strict diet on yourself, unless you have to for health reasons. Relax around food and you’ll feel much better, and probably eat better too. For me, this means cutting down on dairy and eggs without going fully vegan, cutting down on sugar without going completely sugar-free, and chilling out about what order the kids eat their food in (and how much, or how little, they eat).
7. Eat vegetables… no, more than that! Seriously, veg is amazing. And hardly any of us eat enough. Add an extra vegetable to each meal (aim for a variety of colours for maximum benefit) and your body and brain will thank you.
8. Get out in the daylight, especially in the morning. Schedule it in if you need to: it’s important to get out in the elements and remind yourself of what the outside world feels like.
9. Sleep! I struggle with this one, always have, and I know I’m not alone in finding it hard to switch off at night. But it’s one of the absolute top things we can do to help ourselves feel good. I don’t know about you, but I definitely happier, more positive and more relaxed when I’ve had enough sleep.
10. And, of course, read. Always have a book on the go. It’s mindful, it’s soothing, it’s educational, eye-opening, mind-expanding and relaxing; and it’s just for you.

Above all, don’t try to do it all at once!

So, have you read anything you think I’ll like? What’s your favourite revelation about living a happy, healthy life? Have you had success in making changes that last? Let me know!

Click here to view all my posts.